Saturday, April 22, 2017

Real life

This morning I woke up early to get the babes ready for their fun days. Maddie was headed out to go bowling with her girl friends from youth group and Ty needed to get ready for a day of fishing with the boys. I packed lunches and snacks for Ty, got his fishing pole ready, headed to the ATM so they both had money, grabbed a quick breakfast for them, and got them where they needed to be. I came back home and I was ready to clean out my fridge super quick so I could get on with my morning. Dustin is out of town and I honestly couldn't even remember the last time I had a few hours to myself on a for real...could not tell you if I had a gun to my head. I had visions of browsing Ulta with a coffee in hand...walking through Target and trying on wedges that I don't need...looking through every rack at Charming Charlie's and walking out with a few new pair of earrings, and I had visions of doing all of this in rushing...just relaxing...I mean...basically fairies and Angels were in this vision (all you working mommas feel me right now...can you hear the angels singing softly?!?). So...I pulled in to my driveway and got ready to attack my fridge. And I have to be honest...I was ready for a fight. If you know know that I like a clean house. I mean...I really do. I like everything in its place and I like my house to always smell pretty (yes...I have issues). My fridge has had this just a bad smell. I can't explain it...I don't know where it is coming from...but it is constant. It has been there for a few days now. I have done the obvious throwing away of all old food. I have removed every potentially old veggie or fruit...and still...the smell remains. So was me against the fridge. I literally removed every old condiment, spice, drink, and anything that had the thought of going bad in the next few days. I removed every drawer and shelf. I deep cleaned each one of them. I scrubbed with a sponge and bleach. I used windex for a beautiful shine. I could basically eat off of any area in my fridge. One would now start to think..."so...why are you writing all of this? I you want a cookie for cleaning out your fridge?" Oh cookie needed. I am writing all of this so you have a  reason to read this next part. Because my friends...this...this is where it gets good...or actually horribly wrong depending on how you look at it. In my haste to throw everything away and clean in a hurry...I had put everything from the fridge in one large trash bag. And this wasn't a wimpy trash bag. No...this was one of those heavy duty...hold everything...I could even fit in it....trash bag. I did not realize how much I had thrown away. Most of it was condiments or items in glass bottles. No biggie...all I had to do was get it outside to our trash dumpster. It was heavy...but I was up for the challenge. I started to pick it up and I could see a few holes forming. Still...I was not alarmed. I literally only had to make a short walk out of my kitchen...through the back door...and around the side of the house. I got this! I could see a little bit of red liquid on my kitchen floor...but I still wasn't worries about it. I got out the back door and made sure to keep the dogs outside. I did not want them to get inside and somehow get in to the small amount of liquid that had seeped it's way on to the floor (in hindsight...I am a moron and should have brought them inside...but you and learn). I was trying to lift the bag gently over the puppies and around the outdoor furniture. Now... I am beginning to feel some liquid on my feet as I try to maneuver this bag to our outside trash bin. No worries...I still got this and I am getting ready to hop in the shower right after this so I can see fairies and hear angles singing while I have a couple hours of alone time. Our newest puppy is now trying to jump on on me and the bag. She is excited to see me and she probably smells some potential snacks in the larger-than-santas-Christmas bag-bag I am carrying. I notice that there is now a large red liquid trail behind me. I am trying to keep the puppies attention...while keeping her off of the bag (because she is starting to rip it more)...and still trying to walk it to the trash bin. I finally get to the trash bin and I realize that she is now licking the red liquid. I set the bag down and try to get her to stop. Our other dog steps in and seems to be a great distraction for her. I then try to pick up the now seeping trash bag only to realize that the bottom has dropped out and one EVERYTHING from my fridge is on the concrete in front of my trash bin. I also notice that the red liquid is coming from a Frank's bottle that has somehow been demolished in the trip (if you don't know what Frank's is a condiment similar to a mix of hot wing sauce and tabasco). The new puppy is now again interested in the seeping liquids, so I pick her up to bring her inside with me so I can get some paper towels and a few new trash bags. have to remember that there was already some liquid spillage in the as soon as I walk in the house...with a squirmy puppy in my arms...I slide on the liquid and fall. Don't worry...I held the puppy the entire time...she was good. Now...I am trying to get up with the puppy in my arms and I grab the extra paper towels and trash bags. I head back outside and put the puppy down in the grass...away from the trash explosion. I am now trying to pick up the trash and put it in new trash I can put those in the outside trash bin.  Enter the realization that there is broken glass all around because some of the bottles...including the Frank's bottle...have been completely smashed. As I am trying to carefully pick up the pieces of glass...I see the puppy trying to eat the Frank's sauce. I run over to her...and I obviously step right on a piece of glass...covered in hot sauce. Because of course...I am in bare feet...because why wouldn't I be? So Now I am holding a puppy with Frank's all over her mouth...and I am realizing that I have a piece of glass in my foot...WITH hot sauce on it. I'm guessing you can imagine how that feels...but let me explain it. Not only is there a stabbing pain of having glass in  your foot...but there is a lovely after shock of hot sauce shooting through the open wound that the glass has was AWESOME! Now...I am sitting on my outdoor furniture with the puppy still in my arms...while I am trying to get glass out of my foot. Do you want to know what happens next?!? The puppy is also awesome! I set her down and head back to the pile of trash. I finally get all of the trash in the trash bin, and I head to the hose so I can try to spray down the concrete. I turn on the hose only to realize that my same sweet puppy has somehow chewed off the nozzle from the hose. So...water is now spraying everywhere (I mean...I can't even make this stuff up). I grabbed the hose...which has now pretty much soaked me...and I head over to the concrete to start spraying it down. The puppies are now in the grass (maybe because they didn't want to get wet...or maybe out of fear of their crazy looking momma)...but either way...they are out of the way now. I spray down everything and get all of the glass picked up. I then realize that I am still bleeding and I head back inside. One would think that I would remember that my kitchen floor is still wet...and that my feet are soaked from the hose...but oh no...I don't remember that. So I literally look like a baby calf  trying to ice skate through my kitchen. I didn't fall I consider that a win. I clean out my foot and then finally mop and disinfect my kitchen floor. Currently...I am watching "Say Yes To the Dress" with my foot elevated while drinking a coffee. There are no fairy sightings...and no angels are singing...but there is also no smell in my kitchen. So basically...I win...or at least that is what I am telling myself.

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